King Dasaratha could not believe his eyes. Before he could
even utter a word, his knees buckled bringing him to the ground.
"...Ka-Kai-Kaik-Kaike" stuttered the king as he
struggled to utter her name.
Minister Sumanthra entered the kopa gruha in search of
Dasaratha.
"My king, please tell me what has brought you to your
knees?" muttered Sumanthra as he cautiously made his way past the
curtain.
"We do not have much ti-…. oh no!!" Sumanthra
stood in shock as he gazed upon the body of Kaikeyi, soaking in a pool of
blood.
Royal guards questioned everyone from the jester to Sumanthra himself. Not a soul could rest that night as the castle fell into chaos. Outraged
by the news, Rama and his brothers stormed into the king's chambers expecting
to receive orders from their father. Deeply saddened, but determined, the king
rushed out of his chambers as quickly as the princes entered.
"There is no time to waste! We must question the last
person to witness Kaikeyi alive," said the king.
"Our maids say that
they saw a hunchback limping out of the queen's room mere hours before we discovered the body."
And so the king hurried to the cell where soldiers had
captured and interrogated Kooni, the hunchbacked servant. As they moved through the castle, the shadows
of distraught men, a backdrop to candle light, scurried across the walls of the
dark hallway. All throughout the halls men howled and wildly accused the common servants. Rama showed concern for these commoners
and resolved any disputes as he saw them. But the chaos was too great.
"Find the killer and this madness will leave us," groaned
Dasaratha, looking forward with great resolve.
The guards sliced and bruised Kooni beyond recognition.
"My lord, the hunchback has been devising a trap,"
said the soldier as he presented the king with notes on Kooni's plot, beaten
out of her without mercy.
She was suspended upside down, a rope stretching from the ceiling as her only savior against a container of scorpions resting just inches
from her head. As her lips shivered, she forced them open despite the enormous
swelling across her face, so severe that she could no longer see two feet ahead
of her body.
"I-I-It is surely," blurted Kooni while coughing
uncontrollably, "your own evils which have caused this misfortune to
f-fa-fall upon you."All eyes in the room were on her.
"I was not the one who cut down Kaikeyi, but surely
it was one of my brothers."
Kooni and the other slaves had been planning a
revolt. The king had spent years abusing them, forcing them into
dangerous lands virtually unprotected to harvest crops.
"We are less than human to you. So we shall treat you
like the monsters that you yourself have created!"
Upon hearing these words, a great anger welled up inside
Dasaratha as he shoved even his sons aside, making his way to this battered
woman. After striking her across the face, he exclaimed,
"You dare murder Kaikeyi for your petty grievances! You creatures were blessed to stumble upon my kingdom. For in any other you would have been pierced through the heart and fed to the dogs. It was the queen herself who took pity on you and now she has paid greatly for her kindness."
"You dare murder Kaikeyi for your petty grievances! You creatures were blessed to stumble upon my kingdom. For in any other you would have been pierced through the heart and fed to the dogs. It was the queen herself who took pity on you and now she has paid greatly for her kindness."
And as quickly as it rose up inside him, the king subdued his anger, replacing it instead with an overwhelming sadness. Despite his words he was unwilling to face Rama who was ignorant of the servants' plight, now gazing upon his father with a
look of shame and disgust. Later that night, the king stood on the highest
balcony of the castle gazing upon the stars for an answer.
"What do I need to do for this kingdom, for my beloved
Kaikeyi?" he thought to himself.
Suddenly, Dasaratha heard footsteps, the sound growing
louder with each second. He spun around and stared at the door which sealed the
only staircase. Dasaratha gripped the hilt of his sword, preparing for a battle
without a single ally. He could almost taste the malice in the air as the
presence grew closer. As the door swung open, the king released a sigh of relief as none other than Rama stood at the entrance with a faint smile. Surely,
the king had reached news levels of paranoia.
"You have done a great many wrongs against these slaves," said Rama. "Just as you mourn, my heart also aches for Mother. But we cannot ignore the plight of these rebels."
"You have done a great many wrongs against these slaves," said Rama. "Just as you mourn, my heart also aches for Mother. But we cannot ignore the plight of these rebels."
Facing the stars once more Dasaratha stood at the edge of the
balcony. "I am truly blessed to bear witness to your kindness, Rama. But what do you suppose I do with subjects who have turned traitor?"
"The answer is simple, Father." replied Rama. "In fact there is but one
answer that will deliver justice."
"But what could that be, my so-”, as the words left his
mouth, the king noticed a sharp, warm sensation in his chest.
As he looked down, to
his dismay he gazed upon the tip of a blade, plunged through his heart. Blood
gushed out of his mouth and splashed on the blade. He used his last ounce of energy
to spin around and drop himself into the arms of Rama.
"Tell me, my son, what demon has possessed you?"
muttered Dasaratha as the blood gurgled in his mouth.
"I simply grow tired of
this charade," replied Rama. "The charade of the perfect son, husband, brother and prince. This
image of perfection that has been imposed on me is but a farce used to compensate
you all for your own dark hearts. No more, Father."
Those were Rama’s final words to Dasaratha, and in his final
moments he bore witness to a sight that terrified him. It was Rama’s sinister
smile, stretching unnaturally from ear to ear. His eyes stretched open
grotesquely, almost popping out of Rama’s head.
:origin()/pre09/b4af/th/pre/i/2012/264/3/2/jeff__s_sad__strange__crazy__scary_story__by_thatdaftpunk-d5fhmnn.png)
(Rama deformed by his madness)
Author's Note
I was inspired to write this story by a previous post that I
had made concerning the relationship between Kooni and the queen. While
studying their conversations for the first time I could not help but think that
if this story was anything like the mystery novels that I have read that there
would be an ulterior motive to Kooni's influence in this scene. In imagining
what that motive could be I thought of a rebellion. But the challenge of
revealing a surprising yet convincing murderer was still unresolved. After much
thinking I figured that Rama would be seen as the most innocent character in
this story because of the impressions created of him in the original story by
the other readers in the class. I also concluded that realistically any person
could feel crushed by the expectations placed on Rama. They may even feel
robbed of a satisfying life because of these expectations.
The story is also meant to confront the idea of perfection. Throughout
the original narrative, the reader notices that even Rama can sometimes fall
victim to his desires and make hasty decisions. But somehow Rama is able to
justify his own actions. Even the murder of Vali at Rama’s hands is justified
in some manner. Therefore, the following question prevails,
“Is perfection the ability to know all answers coupled with the
timely execution of deeds, or is perfection simply the ability to convince
others of the righteousness of one’s actions?”
Original Text
"The Ramayana" by R. K. Narayan
Bibliography
Manthara and Kaikeyi (PDE story is slightly different from Narayan's physical text)
Kaikeyi and Dasaratha (Spellings may differ between PDE and physical text which was used for the story)
Week 3 Reading Diary: Ascension to the Throne:
Bibliography
Manthara and Kaikeyi (PDE story is slightly different from Narayan's physical text)
Kaikeyi and Dasaratha (Spellings may differ between PDE and physical text which was used for the story)
Week 3 Reading Diary: Ascension to the Throne:
I liked how your story started out. It kept making me wanting to read on and find out what happened. In the paragraph where the king slaps Kooni, you wrote “you dear” but I believe it should be “you dare”. It’s a small fix! I couldn’t believe at the end that the son, Rama, killed his own father. He must have been having a lot of problems as you depicted the description of Rama. He had become a monster. I think the picture you found did a good job at depicting how changed Rama had become. Overall, your formatting looks really good but I noticed that you are missing a bibliography. Make sure to include one with a link to the original story. Please include the other post you are referring to as well and the original link so that readers can go back and read the story if they would like! Since, I don’t know what the original story is about, I’m not exactly sure what about your writing changed and stayed the same.
ReplyDeleteDespite the little background missing, I really enjoyed the story and did not expect the ending at all. Good job!
Hi Eaton,
ReplyDeleteThis story was a complete twist that I was not expecting at all. I can tell you read a lot of mystery novels with how you wrote this story. You did an amazing job building up to the end and the image of Rama twisted and deformed by his madness may be stuck in my mind every time I read about him now! Good job and I like that you linked tp the stories in your bibliography. Great job!
Eaton, I enjoyed reading your story because of your plot twist. I like how you related your story to your love of mystery novels. You did an excellent job in changing the story by having Rama kill his father, in the end. I love how you showed a side of Rama that was completely different than how he is portrayed in the Ramayana.
ReplyDeleteThis is a brilliant story, all the from the murder mystery at the beginning to the plot twist with Rama at the end. I was hooked onto every word, and your story flowed so well that I felt like I was watching an episode of one of my favorite crime shows! I like how you tackled the idea of Rama as the perfect man and made him into someone completely different than we may have ever thought. This story is one of my favorites in the class, and I think I will read it again sometime later along with your other work.
ReplyDeleteEaton, what a crazy story! It had me anticipating what would happen next the entire time. I really liked your plot twist at the end. I definitely had no idea that was going to happen. I think you did a really good job having Rama being the one that kills King Dasharatha because myself (and I am sure everyone else) had no idea out of all the characters it would be Rama. I mean like you said, Rama is the perfect one! Thank you for sharing your story! It was so good! I was also really impressed by the amount of dialogue and description. I felt like I was actually inside the story and really could visualize what all you were depicting. The quote that you added in your Author's Note was a really good addition for the readers. You have a fabulous imagination. Well done.
ReplyDeleteEaton is a really cool story to include in your portfolio! I enjoyed your story very much. The twist at the ending was unexpected but made the story more enjoyable. This was a very creative piece and I love how you changed Rama into a character that is completely opposite of himself. It was nice to see him not be so obedient for a change. I did not know about the character Kooni since I read a different version of the Raymana, but your author’s note helped give me some background information as to why she played such an important role in your story. I had to Google more about her, just for my own curiosity. I did wonder of Rama was going to confront King Dasaratha on his behavior, since you previously mentioned that Rama believed that the servants were innocent, which brought me to the conclusion that Rama had possibly killed his Kaikeyi.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story. Using the mystery approach was an excellent idea. The text size was appropriate. It was very easy to read and flowed well. The way you told the story made me want to keep reading until I found out who killed Kaikeyi. This was really different from the Ramayana readings. I liked how you changed up the personalities. Kaikeyi was the innocent one and Rama was deceitful. I should have had a clue when Rama mentioned that the servants may be innocent. You would have never expected Rama’s character to do harm to his father. The dialogue was very descriptive. I could visualize all of the characters. The author’s note was informative. It gave the reader a background of the relationship between the queen and Kooni. Kooni definitely had an impact on the events that played out in the original readings. Also, the quote was a great ending!
ReplyDeleteI noticed instantly that you stayed true to the many stories that we have read in this class. By using Indian names (familiar and unfamiliar) it made me feel as if I was reading another Indian Epic, and I like that. The details in the story was also really wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to really become a part of the world that you have created and it also connected me to the characters on a different level. The time frame took a tad long to get into, but I like the idea of setting it in almost medieval times (Unless I got the wrong time frame). I just wished I was introduced right away because I got slightly confused midway through the story. Oh my GOD! That picture is terrifying, so wonderful job on giving us a memorable portrait of Rama. I can definitely see why you decided to include it in your portfolio :)
ReplyDeleteEaton,
ReplyDeleteThis was a facinating twist on the story. I really liked the fact that you used Rama’s innocence to build a character of a murderer. I think it would have been a little more satisfying if Rama had killed Kaikeyi instead of having it be someone else. That would have given this an even darker dimension.
The fun with mysteries though is being able to solve it before the end of the story. With this story there is no indication that it was Rama until the end of the story. I wonder what would happen if he had him coming out of Kaikeyi’s room and being spotted.
I was also wondering what the connection was with kooni and kaikeyi in the Ramayana. What would have happened if you had made this into something more sinister, like Kooni being the rebel and Kaikeyi was helping with the plot to overthrow the overbearing king?
Eaton, I really enjoyed reading your story! It is a great twist to the original story. I was not expecting Rama to be the evil one because he is such a noble character in the Ramayana. I agree with the above people in that the character development of Rama could have been more developed if he would have been the one to murder Kaikeyi. However, you still did a very good job in creating a sinister feel about Rama. Also, I like how you described many of the scene. For example I enjoyed how you described Dasharatha feeling the person behind the door (Rama). The picture was great too! It sort of reminded me of the Joker and his psychotic nature so it allowed for me to imagine Rama being just like him. Overall, it was an excellent story with a great twist. I am glad that I got to read your story.
ReplyDeleteWow, your story gets really intense. I especially like the part where you say, "we shall treat you like the monsters that you yourself have created." I think this line is especially powerful because of the ideas behind it. The line in your story "he could almost taste the malice of the air" is great use of imagery. You also did a very good job with the ending. I like that Rama was simply not the perfect son, and finally willing to stop pretending to be somebody he was not. It's very creepy, but even villains need to be honest with themselves. Not every story in real life has a happy ending either.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you chose your sentences and words very carefully when you wrote up this story. Wording is often almost more important than plot, and I think you did a great job with this. I enjoyed reading your story.
This was an amazing story! I love to read about mysteries because it is always exciting to find out what really happened at the end. You did a good job setting up the plot and making it an exciting mystery. I was intrigued to find out who the killer was, but Rama was the last person I expected it to be! I really thought it was going to be the hunchback, but I guess the king had several enemies within the kingdom. What a great twist. Maybe just as surprising is that he killed his dad too. It all makes sense though. People who are held to such a high standard their entire life often go off the deep end. The picture you posted is the best one I have seen yet in this class. It is so creep, but it fits perfectly for a psychopath killer. Great job with this story!
ReplyDeleteHi Eaton,
ReplyDeleteGreat job with this story! I was engaged the entire time I was reading it. You did a great job with the dialogue. The stutters fit perfectly with the shock that everyone was going through after seeing the dead body of the queen. I also like how you explained how the servants had been continually abused by the king, which sparked the revolt. The ending was totally unexpected! I would never have picked Rama as the killer, but you defended this creative choice very well by having Rama be fed up with the unrealistic expectations placed on him. The picture that you chose for Rama at the end was terrifying, but it captured how absolutely mad he had gone under the pressure. I like your Author’s Note where you explained that Rama should not be able to justify his misdeeds so easily. Finally, I like the quote that you finished with. Is that from somewhere, or did you make that up yourself?
Hey Eaton!
ReplyDeleteWhat a neat story idea. I thought it was a very unique way to portray the relationship between the Queen and Kooni. I think it was a very cool idea to further read into Kooni as if she were a character in a mystery novel. It makes sense to me that the ulterior motive would be a rebellion due to the apparently tense relationship between the Queen and Kooni. I also thought that it was interesting the way that you chose Rama to be the innocent character. I had never imagined Rama to be like that but I thought that it worked very well in your story.
I must say that you are a very talented writer. You have implemented quite a complex storyline into this original and relatively old story. It is very cool to me to notice that the characters have evolved into completely different people in your story but they still follow the same story line. So neat. Very good job!
Holy moly this has to be in the top three stories I have enjoyed most in this class. That was unbelievable! You have a real talent for writing. I saw the title and description of your story from your portfolio and it got my attention! Your style of writing made it so easy to follow along and your ability to create suspense is absolute perfection. I kept going through the story thinking I knew what was about to happen but I had no idea what your ending was going to be. You made us readers feel all sorts of emotions while going through the story. As soon as I got to the ending of Rama and his father on the balcony, I thought Rama would give advice to his father and he’d apologize to the slaves for their mistreatment. How wrong I was. Best and most unexpected plot twist ever! Amazing job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story, Eaton. I am a big fan of thrillers (books, not movies), so this was right up my alley. I loved the suspense, the drama, the betrayal, the gore, all of it. I believe that your stories are the only ones that I have seen detail out violent acts, which I find appealing. Even in my stories I hold back, but stories are so much better when the wounded bleed, right?
ReplyDeleteThe writing is in great shape. There is a seamless flow between narration and dialog. The story is broken up into manageable chunks. You do an excellent job sparking interest right from the start. Everything looks good.
If you ever decide to write a part two of this story, it would be interesting to see how the kingdom changes after the death of Dasaratha. Would the slaves be set free under the care of Rama? Is Rama's descent into madness permanent?